Bullshit Privilege

Thank God I found this blog.  Wanna know what gets on my nerves about this whole privilege thing?  How no one is right but the privilege noter.  People who write privilege lists will go to the ends of the earth to find things that make them feel lesser and if you call them on it as something that has nothing to do with race, creed, sexuality, you name it … they begin backpedaling and fast. 

And what most privilege lists look like to me is I’m angry and I need someone to blame lists.  People who focus on privileges tend to strike me as very angry, negative people who do nothing but self deprecate.  Just because you are Mexican and in Home Depot, that doesn’t mean everyone is assuming you are a “border-hopper” and there to look for work.  If you notice it, then it looks like YOU are thinking it.  Just because you are asian and studying in the library, that doesnt mean everyone thinks you are becoming a doctor or cant speak English.  It means you are reading a fucking book in the library, stop being paranoid.

Stop thinking everyone around you is thinking the ugliest, nastiest, racial stereotyping things they can.  Not everyone does that.  Also, who gives a shit if they are?  That just means they are dumb or ignorant.  What are you gonna do about it?  Yell at them?  Blog angry blogs and get self righteous?  How about instead you save yourself the trouble and keep being beautiful and strong in your own way.

Life. Isnt. Fair.  It has never been fair, it will never be fair.  I have expirenced it first hand.  We cannot wipe out all ignorance, we cannot police actions, feelings, and thoughts.  We cannot demand people to view what they are not differently.  But most privilege lists I have found do nothing but poke at and strip other people down to shriveled up pieces of ugly.  A black man can make a list showing all the white privileges he can think of, which makes it kind of a jealousy list if anything.  Instead, he could make a list of things he can do and love and celebrate openly.

Privilege lists are often bullshit, often negative, and often racist, sexist, and any other “ist” you can think of on their own.  I understand privilege isnt something to hate, it is something to be aware of.  How about instead we all focus on the privilege of life?  The gift of humanity, kindness, and understanding and share that with each other.  What can we gain from making lists that do nothing but divide who we are as people and throw the word privilege around like a razor sharp curse?  I think all types of people have a culture all their own that should be respected.  THAT’S YOUR PRIVILEGE TALKING! I think Pocahontas is a great story about love. YOU WOULD YOU FUCKING PRIVILEGED FUCK. 

Do you know what would be way better than sitting in front of a computer all day writing a list about the things you can do because of your advantages/disadvantages thrust upon your life by forces you cant control?  Go outside and smile at someone.  Go to a soup kitchen and serve.  Buy a homeless person a meal and a blanket.  Stop bitching about your life.  Go out and change the world.

I’ve taken extra-special care to bold and italicize examples of heterosexual privilege that this list misidentifies as “monosexual privilege”.

bialogue-group:

1. Society assures me that my sexual identity is real and that people like me exist.
2. When disclosing my sexual identity to others, they believe it without requiring me to prove it.
3. I can feel sure that upon disclosing my sexual identity, people accept that it’s my real/actual sexual identity (rather than anything other than I said).
4. I am never considered closeted when disclosing my sexual identity.
5. Perception/acceptance of my sexual identity is generally independent of my choices of relationships, partners and lifestyle.
6. It is unlikely that disclosing my sexual identity will be taken as a sexual offer or a sign of sexual consent.
7. I can be confident that people don’t misname*** my sexual identity or use different identities to describe my identity when speaking about me.
8. When seen with a partner I’m dating, I can be certain to be recognized as a member of my sexual identity group.
9. I never have to worry about successfully passing as a member of my sexual identity group or as a member of my community.
10. I do not have to choose between either invisibility (“passing”) or being consistently “othered” and/or tokenized based on my sexual identity.
11. I am never blamed for upholding heteropatriarchy** or cisgender* privilege because of the word that I use to identify my sexuality.
12. My politics are not questioned based on the the word that I use to identify my sexuality.
13. I feel welcomed at appropriate services or events that are segregated by sexual identity (such as ‘general’; i.e. straight clinics, gay community centers, lesbian-only events, etc.)
14. If I’m cisgender, I am accepted and celebrated as a part of “queer” space or movement. If I’m an ally, I am applauded for my support of the queer movement.
15. If I’m cisgender, queer or gay people will not try to exclude me from our movements in order to gain political legitimacy for themselves. I am never accused of “giving the movement a bad name”; or of “exploiting” the movement.
16. I can feel sure that if I choose to enter a monogamous relationship, my friends, community or my partner will continue to accept my sexual identity, without expecting or pressuring me to change it.
17. I needn’t worry about potential partners shifting instantly from amorous to disdain, humiliation or verbal violence because of my sexual identity.
18. I can cheat on my partners or act badly in a relationship without having other people put this down to my sexual identity or have my behaviour reflect badly on all the people in my sexual identity group.
19. I can choose to be in a polyamorous relationship without being accused of reinforcing stereotypes against my sexual identity group.
20. I can fairly easily find representations of people of my sexual identity group and my lifestyle in the media and the arts. I encounter such representations without needing to look hard.
21. If I encounter a fictional, historical or famous figure of my sexual identity, I can be sure that s/he will be named as such in the text or by the media, reviewers and audience.
22. I often encounter the word I use to identify myself in the media and the arts. When I hear or read it, I am far less likely to find it in the context of its denial.
23. I can find, fairly easily, reading material, institutions, media representations, etc. which give attention specifically to people of my sexual identity.
24. I can feel certain that normal everyday language will include my sexual identity (“straight and gay alike”, “gay and lesbian”, etc.)
25. If I am cisgender, I am far less likely to suffer from intimate violence.
26. If I am cisgender, I am less likely to suffer from depression or to contemplate suicide.
27. If I am cisgender, I am far less likely to suffer from poverty.
28. I am more likely to feel comfortable being open about my sexual identity at work.
29. I have access to information about the prevalence of STI’s in my community as well as prevention methods that are suitable for me.
30. If I live in a city, I can expect to find medical care that will suit my own particular needs.
31. I am less likely to risk my health by avoiding medical treatment.
32. Wronging me on grounds of my sexual identity or sexual behaviour is taken seriously:
    • Those who wrong me are expected to know that it is hurtful, and are considered accountable whether or not they intended to wrong me.
    • I have easy access to people who understand that this wrong is unacceptable, and who will support me.
    • I have easy access to resources and people to educate someone who wronged me, if I am not feeling up to it.
    • If I am being wronged, I can expect that others who are around will notice
33. When I express my sexual identity in my daily life, I can reasonably expect not to be considered unstable, unreliable, indecisive, untrustworthy or in need of help.
34. I can worry about issues specific to people of my sexual identity group without being seen as self-interested, self-seeking or divisive.
35. I can remain oblivious of the language, culture, history and politics of bisexuality*** and bisexual people*** without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion.
36. I have the privilege of not being aware of my privilege

Homosexual people are not privileged over other sexual minorities by virtue of being homosexual.

Particular points of bullshit to be aware of:

I can feel sure that upon disclosing my sexual identity, people accept that it’s my real/actual sexual identity (rather than anything other than I said)***.

You mean like all of those people who tell gays and lesbians that it’s just a phase, they’ll grow out of it?

It is unlikely that disclosing my sexual identity will be taken as a sexual offer or a sign of sexual consent.

Are you high? Gays and lesbians who disclose their sexual identity are often perceived to be making sexual advances on members of the same sex.

If I’m cisgender, I am accepted and celebrated as a part of “queer” space or movement. If I’m an ally, I am applauded for my support of the queer movement.

Since when is cisgender a synonym for queer? Did I miss an important memo?

I have the privilege of not being aware of my privilege

Can we just stop putting this on lists? Like, any lists at all? All it does is serve as a Take That against supposedly-privileged groups. “Oh of course you’re not aware of your monosexual/sexual/asexual/vanilla/Japanese-speaking/adult/doctor privilege. See? That’s right there on the privilege checklist!” If the privilege you’re describing is an actual privilege and not something you pulled out of your ass, the list can stand up on its own without this line.

• A vanilla person does not have to fear that discovery of their being vanilla will have an effect on their work life.
• A vanilla person usually does not have to worry about the potential legal implications of sex in the manner they prefer with a consenting adult partner (at least not because of it’s vanilla-ness, sex that is otherwise not privileged, queer sex for example will not receive this privilege in all cases).
• A vanilla person does not have to worry about their being vanilla as having bearing on whether they are considered fit to be parents.
• A vanilla person doesn’t have to worry about their being vanilla being thought of as diseased or pathological.
• A vanilla person will have an easier time finding depictions of people with sex lives similar to their own in the media.
• A vanilla person will not have their sexual orientation called into question due to their sexual practices.
• A vanilla person will not have their gender identity called into question because they are vanilla.
• A vanilla person will have comparably easy access to reliable information dealing with safety surrounding their sexual practices.
• A vanilla person seeking medical attention due to an accident that occurred during sex will not face scrutiny or be treated unsympathetically because of the vanilla nature of their sexual activity.
• Vanilla is not used as a pejorative.
• A vanilla person will not be assumed to be a sexual predator because of their vanilla sexual practices, nor will language used to refer to vanilla people as a group be used to describe rapists and perpetrators.
• A vanilla person will have an easier time finding media that portrays people with their sexual preferences sympathetically and accurately.
• Vanilla people will never have their sexual practices used for shock value.
• A vanilla person does not have to worry about outsiders perceiving their relationship as abusive or pathological.
• Safe spaces for vanilla courtship and socializing are not as likely to experience legal harassment in the way BDSM clubs do.
• A vanilla person will not have their being vanilla brought up during a rape investigation (either as accuser or accused)
• Vanilla people can assume their relationship partners will not find their sexual arousal pattern disgusting.
• A vanilla person will not fear their vanilla-ness counting against them in a divorce.
• A vanilla person will not be asked about the origins of the vanilla-ness of their sexual arousal pattern, or have it assumed their vanilla sexual arousal pattern stems from trauma or disease. (again queerness is a separate lack of privilege)
• A vanilla person will not have to worry much about their roommate discovering their vanilla-ness.
• A vanilla person’s actions will not be attributed to their being vanilla.  (Many people link people’s bad actions to their kinkiness, “Well of course he’s a thief, he’s kinky”)
• Symbols of vanilla affection/romance will not be appropriated as “edgy” fashion statements (E.G. collars)
• Discovery of equipment associated with vanilla sexual practices, provided they are otherwise privileged (condoms, lubricant, even a vibrator) although embarrassing will not result people’s drastically changing their opinion of the person in question.
• A vanilla person will not have their masculinity/femininity called into question because of their dominance/submission in bed (I.E. A woman who enjoys being sexually dominant may be called unfeminine, or a man who enjoys being sexually submissive may be called unmasculine)
• The discovery of a famous person having vanilla sex (provided it is within the other realms of privileged sex, monogamous, heterosexual, etc) will not be considered news worthy.
• A vanilla person’s sex related equipment (E.G. Condoms, lubricant, dental dams) will be regulated by government agencies and tested thoroughly for efficacy and safety.  
• Vanilla people have an easier time finding studies relating to their sexuality and sexual desire from the scientific community that do not treat them as marginal or pathological.  (A vanilla straight person will have an easier time than a kinky straight person, a queer vanilla person will have an easier time than a kinky queer person, and so on)
• A vanilla person can usually count on the media to usually get the symbols associated with their relationships generally right (Here’s an example of the media getting it wrong, dominants generally don’t wear collars)
• There is accurate medical research on the effects of vanilla sex upon the human body, kinky people are left with scraps here and there and anecdotal evidence.  We still don’t know if it’s safe to flog breasts.
• A vanilla person will not worry about how their vanilla-ness reflect upon their gender, sex, sexuality, age group, etc etc etc.
• A person’s political beliefs will not be called into question due to their being vanilla.  (For example, a heterosexual man who identifies as a feminist and acts as a good feminist but is sexually dominant may be told he is a bad feminist for enjoying a dominant role during sex, same for a heterosexual female submissive, or a sexually dominant woman may be called an angry feminist due to her preference for a dominant role during sex)
• A vanilla person will have an easy time finding a counsellor who understands and is sympathetic towards their vanilla sexual practices.
• Vanilla-ness is not vilified or exotified by the media (For exotification/vilification of the kink community check out basically any CSI/Bones/Law and Order type show with an episode that deals with kink, or numerous episodes of shows like 1000 Ways To Die)
• A vanilla person can remain ignorant of terms involved in BDSM.
• A vanilla person will not be assumed to be sexually experienced because of their vanilla-ness.
• Vanilla is not taken to mean sexually available.
• A vanilla person can go their entire life without being called vanilla.
• As always, most importantly, a vanilla person can ignore their vanilla privilege.

I was hesitant to post this when it was suggested to me, because I don’t want to belittle what sexual abuse survivors go through. But in the end, I decided that it would be best to post this.

This list plays into the exact reason I started this blog: Not everything fits into the dichotomy of privilege/marginalized. Reducing “privilege” to a buzzword does no one any favors. This list assumes that “not having been sexually abused” goes hand-in-hand with being a white, middle-to-upper-class, able-bodied, neurotypical, cisgendered, straight person. (There is a token item of “If I am gay, people do not assume it’s because I was abused”, but this is actually untrue, even for gay people who have not been abused.)

This list is potentially triggering for sexual abuse.

I’ve italicized points that are universally (not just in my own experience) untrue.

morereasonsyoushouldntfuckkids:

“I wasn’t-sexually-abused” privileges:

1. When I am on a school trip, at a conference, on the road, or in similar situations, I rarely feel unsafe if I have to stay at a friend or even a stranger’s house.
2. I am comfortable watching popular media portrayals of abuse, kidnapping, sexual assault, rape, molestation, or murder; if these things do bother me, it is because of my moral beliefs, not because it is personal.
3. I can easily trust people.
   
4. If I am in a public place and a person stands behind or near me, it does not make me feel unsafe.
5. I can make crude jokes about sexual abuse or rape with my friends.
   
6. I feel safe around other people when I am in a crowded space, such as an elevator, stairwell, or train. 
7. I am not regularly scared or shaken by shouts, bangs, sirens, thunder, or other loud noises. If this does happen, I can easily laugh it off. 
8. People can trust me to take care of their children without worrying about whether or not I will abuse them.
9. If I have children, I can easily trust family members, friends, teachers, or babysitters to take care of them.
10. I can take care of children without worrying about potentially abusing them.
11. If I am gay, people do not ask me if it is because of being sexually abused.
    
12. I can rely on and trust every person in my family.
13. Family reunions, the holiday season, and other family gatherings are happy occasions for me.
14. I believe that I am a good person and that I deserve to be loved.
    
15. If I am in the bathroom, my room, or another small, private space, I feel safe enough to leave the door unlocked.
16. I do not regularly have unexplained bouts of anger, depression, or fear. 
17. Although I occasionally might want to be more healthy, I generally believe that my body is okay and that there isn’t anything wrong with it.
    
18. I can trust my body to behave the way that I want it to.
19. I feel safe and comfortable drinking alcohol, taking mind-altering drugs, or undergoing medical procedures where i may be anesthetized. If I am uncomfortable with these, it is because of a fear of uncertainty— not because I am afraid of losing control of my body.
20. I can trust my mind to remember things accurately.
    
21. I do not have gaps in my memory where I’ve lost time or can’t remember anything.
    
22. I have never felt or rarely feel as if there is something terrible, evil, or wrong with who I am as a person.
23. If I have had an abortion, it was because of economic, social, or other personal reasons— not because I felt as if something terrible, evil, or wrong was growing inside of me, or because I did not want to be reminded of someone on a daily basis.
    
24. I can have a healthy sex life.
    
25. When I do have sex, I never have to suddenly stop or ask my partner to stop because it has brought up bad feelings or memories.
26. I can go to parties and kiss, make out with, or engage in sexual acts with strangers and not feel violated. 
27. I am comfortable and confident enough to have one-night stands.
28. I feel safe enough for sexual experimentation with my partner, even in situations which could reduce my control over the situation, such as BDSM.
29. I believe that I will someday find the “right person” for me. In fact, I even look forward to it. 
30. I believe that relationships can be loving and kind.
    
31. I believe in “true love”.
32. I have lost or will lose my “virginity” under the circumstances of my choosing, with the person I want(ed) to be with.
33. When I date someone, I don’t try to “buy” their love with lots of gifts and presents because I am afraid of losing them.
34. I have good memories of and feelings about my childhood.
35. I feel like I had a childhood.
    
36. I can live and sleep alone and not feel unsafe.
37. I can sleep in the same bed as someone else and not feel unsafe.
38. I am not afraid of falling asleep for fear of having bad dreams or nightmares.
39. I feel safe sleeping in the dark.
    
40. I can watch heterosexual couples and not be afraid for the woman in the relationship.
41. I can watch children playing with adults and not be afraid for them.
    
42. I feel safe and comfortable speaking with adults, teachers, priests, pastors, professors, police, and other authority figures, even when I am alone with them. I trust these authority figures and never feel as if they have ulterior motives or bad intentions.
43. I do not have moments when a sound, a word, a thing, a smell, a taste, a place, a movie, an act, or a person brings back unpleasant memories.
44. I can wear exposed clothing and feel comfortable doing so. I rarely feel like I need to cover myself up, or feel ashamed for looking “sexy”.
45. I do not cope with stress through an eating disorder, drugs, compulsive buying, or other bad habits.
46. Believing in God or a higher power is easy for me.
47. I like telling others about myself, my family, and my childhood.
48. I can hug, touch, kiss, shake hands with, or hold other people without feeling unsafe or awkward. 
49. Bugs or other creepy crawlies creep me out, but they certainly don’t make me feel powerless.
50. When I make a mistake, I don’t expect violent consequences for it.
51. When people yell at me, I do not have panic attacks or freeze up in “fight or flight” mode.
    
52. I can ride roller coasters and watch scary movies. If I am afraid of these things, it is not because they put me back in a terrible place in my life.
    
53. I can go out alone at night and feel safe.
54. When I am sitting in a public place, such a restaurant, it doesn’t bother me if my seat leaves my back exposed.
55. I see medical procedures which involve touching my body, such as a dental exam, going to the gynecologist, or having a prostate exam, as normal and not something to be afraid of.

Found a bullshit privilege checklist somewhere? Submit it.